This Drifting Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! These Are the TV Disappointments of the Year.
As we reflect on the television landscape of the recent year, a selection of series stand out not for their excellence, but for their notable shortcomings. From cringe-inducing spin-offs to bafflingly poor documentaries, here are the programmes that left us scratching our heads or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this divisive spin-off? Burdened with dreadful scripts, painful character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show fought to justify its existence. Briefly, as the final season began, it seemed as if it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner announced this would be the final series. It ended on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo full of poo was just way too on-the-nose. Still, fans undeniably found joy picking apart every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was practically the smallest of this show's issues. The subject of a very rare zero star review, it was hard to know where to start listing the problems. The laughably leaden dialogue? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and materialism? The almost wilful procession of tropes? Acting so poor they felt almost malicious? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this show again. However, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and parental failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d really have gleaned it from this three-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of reckless excess while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any pity this show might evoke should be saved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charismatic but dismissive narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the get-go: a thriller about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Shady figures convening in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to accommodate baffling accents. But there were many other problems. Mainly that it was just profoundly boring; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various London picaresques which felt a bit basic.
With Love, Meghan
Considering the degree to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s ostentatiously angry commentators, it’s temptingly easy to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into twee lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you view them and are compelled to admit that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle magazine animated; a meme for evening drinks with delusions of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark platitudes and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are obviously fascinating things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series opted not to explore them. Rather, the viewing was like consuming a marketing brochure. She obviously has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any favours with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even camper, with a glamorous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality managing her estate. What more could you want? As players battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too complicated to detail what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something way beyond it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How does one succeed a show that defined a generation? The expectation was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the abundance of celebrity cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of talented younger comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar irate mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a bit longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The material needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lumbering from oddly jaunty, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Very much so.
Prime Target
We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could ruin society? No! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – academics frankly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the online personality renowned for sexual escapades as she prepared for her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was far greater interrogation of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the now-famous mum who appeared to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and zero critical analysis of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.
